Spiders, Failure and Pain—Fear Doesn’t Have to Last a Lifetime

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Being afraid of spiders, heights, public speaking or even of getting hit more so than other students while participating in combat sports, doesn’t make you a sissy or a coward. I know in the rough and tumble world that we live in, many would disagree with me.

But the fact is that most things in life are compartmentalized. That is to say that someone who may be afraid of spiders may be the bravest man in a different area. He may fight like a hero in a foxhole fighting alongside his buddies but when it comes to spiders, he panics. Or a woman who is scared to death of talking in front of a group of people may dive right into a martial arts sparring session and not have any extraordinary fear of getting hit or getting hurt.

Fear is a strange thing. Some fears seem to be generated by a general insecurity, perhaps incubated from the time that we were kids and the way that we were raised back in the day and perhaps also helped along with a dash of genetics. But none of that means that we are doomed to a life of fear or that we are less than others.

One bad thing about having fears is that sometimes, some men and women pounce on people when they see those fears. They see that someone is afraid of taking that shot, climbing up on a roof or talking in front of a crowd and they start bulling or treating them in a condescending manner. They get off on others weaknesses and they feel like now, they’re the big shot in the room. And many make it abundantly clear that we are less because of our fear just so that they can continue to be the rooster in the room.

Stay away from these types of people. They should be banished from your life. These are scoundrels of the highest degree. They get thrilled to see your fear and they use you as a springboard for them to be big, bad and powerful. And another bad thing about being picked on is that if we have fears, sometimes we believe that we deserve to be laughed at or picked on and when we are, it affirms what we have thought about ourselves, which is that we are some form of loser, to be true.  However, that is not true.

You should never believe you’re any less than the person who can talk easily in front of a crowd. Or the student who mixes it up without much fear in a full contact sparring session or even if you have a large phobic fear such as agoraphobia and the like. Like yourself. Have understanding and empathy for your unique challenges. People can get over most personal fears and surely the ones that interfere seriously in our lives. I personally know people who have gotten over terrible fears such as agoraphobia and as far as public speaking, the first time that I spoke publicly, my legs were shaking so badly that I sat on the edge of the stage so the audience wouldn’t see them shaking. Nowadays, I could stand on my head naked and talk to a crowd of dignitaries without a bit of shaking or nervousness. So what made that difference for me? From having shaking legs that looked like bowling pins ready to drop to the complete opposite?  Well, someone in the audience who heard my talk came up to me afterwards and said that I did a good job on stage and I seemed to be good at communicating with crowds. What! I was scared to death! And obviously, she didn’t see my legs doing the funky chicken. But those encouraging words kept me on the path of trying to be better and calmer at public speaking and eventually, I got so good at it that I’ve had people tell me that they won’t follow my speeches with their speeches because they’ll look bad following my ‘act’! Go figure. From Shaky Legs Steve to today.

Now, if that woman wouldn’t have gone out of her way and said encouraging words, I guarantee I wouldn’t have pursued public communication and teaching either. And that would have been a terrible loss for me because it’s been a fantastic part of my life for ages now.

So, don’t buy that you’re a coward or that you must be consumed by fear for your entire life. Find what you want to change, or perhaps, find what you need to change and walk the path towards loosing that fear. But if you’re fearful in areas that matter little, don’t sweat it—forget it. If you’re scared to death of spiders—who cares! Accept it, as it means nothing in the big picture unless you plan on getting a job as spider collector!  And if you’re overly fearful of taking a strike in your martial arts sparring, slowly work going in and out and giving and taking. Sort of like testing the waters. Go slow and easy but go for it a little each time and one day, you’ll notice that you’re dealing much better with your fear and sparring much better too.

If you have agoraphobia or other debilitating phobias get professional help or read books from experts with a track record of success like author and expert, Lucinda Bassett, who has helped many people beat debilitating phobias.

You are never less because you have fears. Different perhaps but still good and strong deep down inside. Find your way through the muck of fear. Hang out with encouragers and get professional help if needed. Believe in yourself because you have a dynamo of strength and understanding inside of you even if you don’t buy it right now. Move forward and enjoy the ride.

Steve Kovacs
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Steve Kovacs

About Steve Kovacs

Steve's the bestselling author of 'Protect Your Kids! The Simple Keys to Children's Safety and Survival'. He's written many articles on a wide variety of topics and has three published books. Steve's a three-time survivor of violence in his youth, a former police supervisor and a graduate of The Police Executive Leadership College (PELC) and was also an award winning part-time college Criminal Justice instructor. For several years, Steve did written and radio political and current event commentary and was the former host of the long running 'The Kovacs Perspective' Internet radio and TV talk show. Steve presently owns a small businesses in Ohio--The Mayfield Academy of Self-Defense.

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