The twelve year-old boy sat down in the barber’s chair and started to feel uncomfortable. He was alone with an adult human being who was sure to talk to him while he cut his hair. His hands started to sweat knowing that he simply couldn’t talk with the man, one-on-one, alone, for the length of time it took for a cut.
And then it started. The monotone barber asked him a simple question. “How’s school going for you?” The boy answered back with a short answer. One without any feeling or connection but just enough to answer the barbers attempt to get along. This kind of question and short answer conversation continued during the entire haircut. Lots of dead space, no connection and the boy felt embarrassed. When the cut was finished and he was paying the barber, he just knew he was a complete loser. He couldn’t wait to go home and watch TV or do something where the world seemed manageable.
That little boy was me and I remembered that long forgotten time in my life just a few weeks ago, when I was one of three presenters at a training session. When I completed my part of presenting, the final presenter made his way up and was getting ready to start his talk. I considered him one of the best presenters/trainers in the Cleveland area. Handsome, smart, glib and knowledgeable. But before he started, he told the group that he was nervous to have to follow me. He said that the awesome job that I had just done was something that he couldn’t come close to equaling. Wow! What an unexpected compliment. It made me think of another time, years earlier, when I was about to do a presentation in front of a group of trainers. Another presenter was going to talk on a similar topic that I was getting ready to do. I suggested that I go first because the topic would flow better as I was going to do the beginning part of the topic whereas he was going to the later part. He said, “Nah, no way.” He said that he had watched me do previous presentations earlier in the day and that there was no way he was going to follow me. When I pushed a bit, saying our topics would flow much smoother with me going first, he became a bit stern. He said that I was too good of a presenter and his presentation would fall flat after following me and there was NO way he’d follow me. The tone of his voice made it clear that I shouldn’t bring it up again.
Humongous Change
So how did the scared twelve year in that barber chair become the presenter who people don’t want to follow? Well, I thought about that. I know that there are many shy people who hate being shy and also that public speaking is one of the most common fears people have, so I wondered if I might be able to help someone.
So, cutting to the chase, how did I change? There’s probably more than a few things that occurred to make that drastic of a change but let me try to get to the core of what I think will help you break out of being terrified to speak to one or even a thousand people.
First, it’s okay to be shy. It tells me that you’re a thinker. You care about what may occur in a conversation or in a personal connection. And I think that’s a good thing. It makes you special in a positive way. Some people don’t care what they say or what may come of it as long as they get what they want. Shy people are the opposite of that and actually that gives you an edge to be a real good talker or presenter. Talking is connection. It’s not just spouting facts. It’s all about connecting to the person or people you’re talking to and that starts with being yourself. Right around here I’m guessing some of you are saying something like yeah, sure, be myself you say, but you don’t know me. I have a bad voice, I’m not really very bright, I stutter, or I’m simply an A-1 loser and no one will like me. To all of that, I say bullshit. That’s nonsense.
If you have flaws, it’s okay and you can even bring them up in a talk because a sure way to connect with people is to let them see that you too have flaws, fears and imperfections; just like they do. 99% of people will connect with you when they see that you’re flawed just like them. The other 1 % who may look down at you as a nerd, weak or flawed, you shouldn’t ’really want to be around anyway. And these people, believe it or not, are far and few between.
An Important Part
When presenting and you really want to rock that presentation, you must do it for them. Not you. Right about now, again. you may be thinking, do it for others? I want to do it for me, for Gods sake! My ego, my glory, money or for a sale!
When you’re on stage or standing in front of a group and presenting, it should be completely for them. The betterment of the audience. If you want it to be all about you and only you, start talking about JUST yourself and see how fast you’ll be disliked.
So, be yourself—100%. I’m serious. Let them see the real you. If I were a stutterer, as an example, I might start a presentation like this: Hi, I’m Steve Kovacs and I stutter. Sometimes pretty badly. But I’m going to talk to you tonight and I’m going to try my best to become one with each and every one of you and in turn, make your life better than it was when you walked in here. Do you think I just connected with that audience? Do you think that they’re with me now? On my side? Yup, they are. Now, I’d move forward with the content and motivations that would work on making their lives a bit better.
If you’re presenting on a subject, know it well—frontwards, backwards and sideways. Your goal is helping them, rocking them, motivating them and while you do this, guess what? You’re really connecting, now. They see that you know the topic and they see that you’re actually helping them. They’re being moved and so are you. A deep connection is occurring.
How to Motivate People
In any presentation, try to motivate people to want to listen or jump on board your particular topic. So how do we do that? Show them how your talk is going to make a positive in their lives or at minimum, a change, even if it’s a small change. If you do this during your talk, reminding them here and there, you’ll be a rock star whether you stutter or have three noses!
But you may still ask, how can I be myself? Maybe you were molested as a kid. Maybe your mother always told you that you were no good, stupid, ugly or a loser. Maybe you have a deformity. An illness. But here’s the thing. Today is today. No matter what you were told, there’s a part in you that is JUST you and that has nothing to do with mom, dad or the pervert down the street. You can be or do just about anything. Call it soul, self, or the reality of life–whatever, but if you want to not be shy, let go, be YOURSELF. YOU! If you have a deformity, a lisp, a stutter or you’re not the beautiful Hollywood type—don’t worry about it. I promise you, in presenting, you are good enough, no matter what. Whatever you got, bring it to the table with a gusto to make a difference.
One-on-One Communication
How about one on one communication? This form of communication is similar to presenting to a group as it’s all very much about the other person—the person you’re talking to. Ask them about themselves and talk about what they’re about. If possible, get excited about what their life is about and talk or ask questions about those things. Slowly integrate what you’re all about. When we do this, sometimes, the other person can’t put their finger on why they like us but it’s because they’re chatting about something very dear and important in their lives—them.
Nervousness—Suck it up Buttercup
The first time I spoke on stage I was about twenty. I was so nervous that my legs were shaking uncontrollably and I was scared that the audience would see them wobbling like teetering bowling pins. I sat on the corner of the stage, folksy like, so my legs would be braced by the stage and finished my presentation like that. Boxing great Mike Tyson, fighting in the amateurs, was so scared one time, minutes before a fight, that he started crying. His coach calmed him and he jumped in the ring and in world record time, knocked his opponent out. For me, after my shaky legged presentation, a woman came up to me and said that I did a nice job presenting which helped me have hope for continued presentations. Suck it up, do whatever it takes to work through the nervousness and it will get much easier, each time you step up to the plate.
My hope is that one day, somewhere, I’ll be following your presentation and guess what? I’ll be nervous to follow you!
Steve’s latest book…
Steve's a three-time survivor of violence in his youth, a former police supervisor and a graduate of The Police Executive Leadership College (PELC) and was also an award winning part-time college Criminal Justice instructor.
For several years, Steve did written and radio political and current event commentary and was the former host of the long running 'The Kovacs Perspective' Internet radio and TV talk show.
Steve presently owns a small businesses in Ohio--The Mayfield Academy of Self-Defense.
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